I was so tired Saturday. Like ridiculously tired. It was also a very emotional day for me. I don’t have tired or emotional days often but when I do they seem to fall on the same day. I battled myself all day. Every time I looked in the mirror I was unhappy with the progress I was seeing and I got down on myself.
I planned on running at 6am but I took the quiet of the morning before everyone woke to write and I was tired. Then during the precious afternoon nap time, I decided to catch up on mundane housework and rest. Then after supper but was again too tired.
The kids were in bed and it was 8:45. I got my gear on and left the house.
I captured the first video at my second km. Already sweaty but happy that I got to my first marker without stopping. Then the mind games started. I stopped at km 3 and then at 3.5 I started bawling my eyes out. Talk about emotional.
MY 2K CHECK IN – CLICK HERE!
I started to think if this fucking journey I am on would ever get easier. I started convincing myself my life before was soooo much easier, no effort needed and I ate whatever I felt like and sat all the time.
Then, without a lie, face beet red and hat soaked, I was ready throw up. I slowed my pace and could feel it burning in my throat. It wasn’t the steak salad that caused this. It wasn’t that I was starting as a new runner ready to toss my insides at my first run. I was making myself physically ill with the thought that my 270 lb. sedentary past self seemed like a better option then what I was going through at that exact moment – that sitting, eating what I wanted to eat, not moving or being able to enjoy life was actually a better choice of existence than my almost 200 lb. self now WHO WAS RUNNING.
It was shame and self loathing I was feeling. I have never experienced that.
Then, HOLD ON from Wilson Philips came on my headset and those lyrics pushed me through. Right to the point of almost passing out. It was torture but I finished.
5k CHECK IN – CLICK HERE!
I need to continue to run. It is obviously something that brings out my Blerch (Google that with “The Oatmeal”) and is a test of how successfully I can squash it!
I do not know if running will ever get easier for me because as I know now, every steps is a chore. But I do now know it is extremely theraputic and for that, I will continue.