Deserving

I have been undercover lately as I have been going through a little bit of a struggle, much like a few of my close friends right now, with life.  While that may sound ominous, to answer the question of a dear pal of mine, “Yes, everyone’s life IS this complicated.”

Where is the struggle?  I have asked a few of my gal-pals, my weight-loss, transformational warriors a question of deserving.  Do they feel or did they need to first feel deserving of the life they are creating for themselves.  I have grappled with this notion for over a year now since starting the process in Personal Trainer certification and most recently stuck at a real-life fork in the road of ‘what next’?

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This question may rear its ugly head when we are faced with a feeling of emptiness and possibly loneliness.  Am I deserving of love, happiness, joy and empathy in my marriage?  Am I deserving of friendship, enjoyment and acceptance in my social life?  Am I deserving of advancement, accomplishment and contribution in my career?  How is it possible to progress if you think progression toward anything is something you don’t deserve or should ever experience?

I feel as though I don’t deserve this life I am daily fighting to create for myself, that is is not my path; it is not my story. I am not the fit, buff, beautiful 20-something trainer who has the false nails and the fake tan. I am not the woman who has always had fitness in her life; a true athlete and someone who finds joy in maintaining the health of others through exercise a couple of times a week.  I am not that trainer.

I am this trainer:

“From a client perspective yes it is more comforting to have someone who has gone through it but you really have to dig deep and realize you are actually MORE qualified than most personal trainers because you’ve gone through/going through your own journey.

Most trainers will never know what it is like to struggle, struggle to walk because joints hurt, struggle to breath at the most simple tasks when first starting out.

You have the ability to read your clients better than most trainers, you know the excuses but you can also tell when a person is really being push to their limit.

So go with all confidence that this IS your life and you are actually over qualified compared to most and you are damn good at it.”

Thank you A, for so eloquently helping me see I do deserve this life because whether I realize it or not, I’m living it.

I am.

I also know that it is now MY time to shine.  The last seven years I have been an awesome behind the scenes person, doing a lot of the grunt work under some amazing leaders.  And it was a question posed to me late last night from a very wise and noble friend who asked, “When are you going to stop being the great assistant and start making some fame for yourself?”  This stopped me my tracks, because J was right.  I am most comfortable helping others succeed in their business.  Being the connector.  Being the ideas-person. Being the ‘doer’ and the reliable one to get shit done.  Well, I’m not doing that any more.  I deserve the direct rewards of my labour and I deserve to directly feel the joy in seeing people get to their goals.  It’s a strange thing to see success from the backseat.  I am ready to take the wheel.

What are you struggling with?  What is keeping you stuck in your relationship, your job, your town, your dysfunctional family, your battle in your mind?  Is it that you feel you don’t deserve what is on the other side?  Well, take it from me, you do deserve it.  No matter who in your past has convinced you otherwise, no matter who has beaten you down to a mushy pulp believing you only deserve the sub-par life or situation you are in… kick them in the shin and tell them to go to hell.  The one thing you DON’T deserve is to believe the bullshit that others may impose on you or that your own self-doubt creates. You actually may find that pain in the ass person is the only one that has the actual power to hold you back:  the reflection in the mirror.

I will be starting personal training sessions for anyone interested in working with me.  Email me at mebutdifferent@gmail.com.  Sessions will never be the same, will be fun and you will find that deserving self in you to live a healthier, more comfortable life.

Axo

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