Goodbye, Ol’ Friend

I have come to realize that I am living a dichotomous relationship with myself – on the one hand, I know; on the other hand, I choose not to do.  I have finally taken the time to try to understand why this has been.  Why, after losing 70 lbs, things are feeling stuck.

goodbye

For those of you who have been reading, you know this is a common theme.  I share the inspirational quotes, the struggles of my every day life, the “hey I know what the hell I’m talking about”.  But the other half of me is comfortable.  My life, before, was comfortable.

I didn’t have to work for anything on the physical or emotional side.  I didn’t argue with myself on making better nutrition choices or try to convince myself that moving my body would ultimately make my day brighter or my life easier.  I didn’t worry about what I looked like or how I felt in my skin because I was so incredibly separate from myself.  I existed and quite honestly, it was a hell of a lot easier than the daily struggle I’m going through right now.

I know why that dichotomy exists.  It exists because the life as a fat person was easier.  This, on the other hand, is HARD work.  And don’t let anyone who is doing it, really doing it, doing it day in and day out, that’s it’s not.  It’s fucking torturous.  And maybe, further down my path it might get easier, but right now, I’m trying to convince myself that this hard work is worth it.  And I now realize something I need to do that I have not yet done.  I need to say goodbye to my life of before.  I need to part ways and step back from the comfort of being overweight, in all the uncomfortable aspects that life brought me.  The weight was my blanket; was my protection; was my barrier and for me to really do this, day in and day out, I have to let go.

Tonight, I say goodbye to that former fat girl.

Goodbye, old friend.

I have carried you for as long as I can and it is now time that we go our separate ways.

No more late night dates with the popcorn bowl, or sneaking leftovers from the kids’ plates.

No more blaming your hubby for the Doritos and Coke Zero.

No more turning to food when bored, happy, sad or indifferent.

You can no longer control my thoughts as I am the only one in control of what I do.

I choose to let you go so I can get to know this new me.  The new me that is strong, confident, sexy, and able.

The new me that values life, craves an active life and remembers the difference.

I don’t regret what we went through for it is because of you that I am who I am today.

I love you for the strength you had when it may have been easier to just give up.

I honour your memory because although I let you go, I am now able to help others and relate to a life that is capable of change.

Thank you, old friend.  It is time for you to leave.  Don’t forget me.  I’ll be the one at the finish line waving you farewell.

{a video I would like to share with you.  This song and its lyrics so eloquently paint the picture of me saying goodbye to the former me – enjoy}

Axo

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Paying It Forward

I have been blessed to work with a number of women in the last couple of months who trusted in me the continuation or start of their fitness and nutrition journey.

Deciding to go into personal training and then taking my Nutrition and Weight Loss Specialist accreditation was something I did for someone else.  I did it because, even eight months ago, I was making decisions based on others’ expectations of me.  And while the means may not justify the end I am currently at, I am glad I did it.

This may not necessarily be my passion.  It may not necessarily be something I am the best at.  But seeing other woman try new activities, push their bodies to new heights and at a very minimum, acknowledge the relationship they have with food, is truly rewarding.

I was given the gift of fitness and proper nutrition two years ago… I can’t believe it’s been two years.  And I didn’t know then where my life would be in a year or two.  But knowing now I can pay it forward (as Sam from Tips of the Scale {www.tipsofthescalle} put it) and offer other woman even the idea of a chance of more comfortable, more confident life is something extraordinary.

megrateful

 

I have been busy the last few weeks – finding work to help with the bills, working with a couple of clients, dealing with a lot of mental drama that quite honestly has knocked me off my feet – but during all of the scattered schedules and running around, that 45 minutes with the woman who wants to feel better in her wedding gown, or the shift working mother who after over a decade of neglecting herself, to care for a dwindling family wanting to give back to her body – it’s been wonderful.

I thank you, clients and friends who have turned to me for support and whom I know are there for me as well.  While I continue on my own journey, with the daily and sometimes hourly struggles of making the best choices possible, I am forever thankful for trusting in me that my path can somehow impact yours.

There is a long road ahead, pushing out those who need to continue to play the lottery and loving those who will definitely be taken care of when I win mine (thanks, Laura!).

Axo

The Guise of a Workout Addict

Yes, I go to the gym four times a week and yes there are days I do workout twice.  But I am here today to confess!!

It was our first official weigh in last night for our 90 day challenge and I stepped on the scale and was up 1.2 (it wasn’t actually 2 lbs).  I expected it.  I expected it because I have been accustom to staying in the same 5 pound range for the last…. well, seems six months.  So what gives?

I did gain a half of an inch on my arm, down an inch on my waist and down five inches on my hips/belly button meridian.  So some would say, Adina, you are gaining muscle.  I would whole-heartedly believe all you optimists if I were 10 pounds from my goal weight.  But, I’m not.  I am 50 pounds away still and have a good deal of fat in my midsection (although 5 inches is pretty awesome), on my back, my thighs and have come to realize my ass will be with me forever (which I am so okay with!).  I have a lot more fat to lose.  However, I do know my body composition is changing.

My daughter came across a picture of me from high school, circ 1993.  I was probably 160-ish then.  She, in her oh-so trying to be polite way, said, “Wow, mom, you were holding a lot of weight there”.  Proves that although I was 40+ lbs lighter in the picture, my body is so much more lean now than it was.

Why the post?  And why the title?  Because I love weights.  I love them.  I could do them for hours on end.  But if I’m not burning the fat in my body, the fat will take years and years to finally burn off from what my muscles are lending me.  The other confession here (PS – that was me confessing I don’t do cardio) – I still don’t pay attention to food.  Ya, I don’t eat white pasta like I did.  Ya, I don’t eat chocolate or cookies like I did.  Ya, I am so incredibly more aware of the fuel I put in vs. the other 35 years of my life, but it’s not a priority.  Why?  Because I have convinced myself the strength-training and one or two cardio classes is enough.

REALITY

Month one of the challenge is gone.  Month one of my free GoodLife membership is gone.  Month one of my free mommy-time is gone.

PLAN

Month two has begun.  And this is what I’m changing up.

AT THE GYM:  I workout at the gym Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and occasional Saturdays.  I am now doing 40 minutes on the treadmill and I do this FIRST!  My lame-ass reward??  Weights.  As I run for 2 mins, incline at an 8 at a lower pace for 3 mins and recover for 1 min (then repeat, repeat), I salivate looking over at the ladies pumping blood through their veins and get to test their bodies in new ways.  I will get through my cardio and then indulge in my weights.  Yes, I know.  Some would say a Pumpkin Cream cheese muffin is much more a reward but I know cardio is what I hate so it’s what I shy away from.  So I need to find a reward that works.  And my strength training it will be.

IN THE KITCHEN:  get my head out of my ass.  The end.

80-20-nutrition-exercise

I would also like to thank the trainer at the gym who approached me and said she could see my body changing.  Felt great!  And I do appreciate the words of encouragement.  I will continue with what I was doing, but throwing in the four days of cardio and sticking with Zumba twice a week.

Month One done!

Axo

The Absolute Necessity of Following Your Heart

I am sitting here in a parking lot, early for a job interview. My DREAM JOB. I have never had a dream job. This one, however, marries my love of event planning with the leading Canadian company in fitness and  professional accreditation. So, why so glum? It was an 88km drive here, on the paid toll highway (probably a $10 trip here). And as a familiar heaviness weighs in my gut, I am reminded of why it is important to follow your heart.

heartI left my commute and sedentary desk job a year and a half ago. And while I salivate at the thought of a steady pay cheque and being able to get my nails done once in a while, I just can’t.  I actually yawned on the way here… yawned!  At 1:15pm.  C’mon.  If that’s not a sign, then…?

I’m going in though.  Maybe there will be an amazing silver-lining and I can work four out of five days from home.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

20 minutes pass…

I’m back in my car.  Want the good news or bad news first?  Well the good news is, I looked awesome in my purple skinny jeans, snake-skinned high heels and rockin’ tank.  The bad news?  I was honest.  I sat down and the healthy, beautiful, mulit-aged ladies smiling at me asked how the drive was (typical ‘get the candidate to relax HR tactic).  I told them, “It was long.  Really long.”  The look on my face said it all.  The hiring manager asked if we should continue; so I continued to be honest.

I told the lovelies that it took an obese existence and being so completely detached from my body for me to realize that the familiar smell of ink toner and the maze of cubicles are both parts of my previous life that I no longer want to welcome back.   That sitting in my car for anywhere from 2 to 3 hours a day brings back a familiar heaviness in my stomach that I instantly felt when I pulled into the parking lot.  I told them a bit about my weight-loss journey and how it has taken me a long time to realize what I don’t want.  I could feel the tears welling in my eyes.

I told them this job was for me, but the circumstances just aren’t right.  I wished them well and much thanks for even considering me for this position.

Lesson today?  Continue following what you feel you need in life.  Recognizing at least what you don’t want is a good start.  And I know the job and the work would have been great, but right now, I cannot exchange my sanity for a paycheque.

Axo