Goodbye, Ol’ Friend

I have come to realize that I am living a dichotomous relationship with myself – on the one hand, I know; on the other hand, I choose not to do.  I have finally taken the time to try to understand why this has been.  Why, after losing 70 lbs, things are feeling stuck.

goodbye

For those of you who have been reading, you know this is a common theme.  I share the inspirational quotes, the struggles of my every day life, the “hey I know what the hell I’m talking about”.  But the other half of me is comfortable.  My life, before, was comfortable.

I didn’t have to work for anything on the physical or emotional side.  I didn’t argue with myself on making better nutrition choices or try to convince myself that moving my body would ultimately make my day brighter or my life easier.  I didn’t worry about what I looked like or how I felt in my skin because I was so incredibly separate from myself.  I existed and quite honestly, it was a hell of a lot easier than the daily struggle I’m going through right now.

I know why that dichotomy exists.  It exists because the life as a fat person was easier.  This, on the other hand, is HARD work.  And don’t let anyone who is doing it, really doing it, doing it day in and day out, that’s it’s not.  It’s fucking torturous.  And maybe, further down my path it might get easier, but right now, I’m trying to convince myself that this hard work is worth it.  And I now realize something I need to do that I have not yet done.  I need to say goodbye to my life of before.  I need to part ways and step back from the comfort of being overweight, in all the uncomfortable aspects that life brought me.  The weight was my blanket; was my protection; was my barrier and for me to really do this, day in and day out, I have to let go.

Tonight, I say goodbye to that former fat girl.

Goodbye, old friend.

I have carried you for as long as I can and it is now time that we go our separate ways.

No more late night dates with the popcorn bowl, or sneaking leftovers from the kids’ plates.

No more blaming your hubby for the Doritos and Coke Zero.

No more turning to food when bored, happy, sad or indifferent.

You can no longer control my thoughts as I am the only one in control of what I do.

I choose to let you go so I can get to know this new me.  The new me that is strong, confident, sexy, and able.

The new me that values life, craves an active life and remembers the difference.

I don’t regret what we went through for it is because of you that I am who I am today.

I love you for the strength you had when it may have been easier to just give up.

I honour your memory because although I let you go, I am now able to help others and relate to a life that is capable of change.

Thank you, old friend.  It is time for you to leave.  Don’t forget me.  I’ll be the one at the finish line waving you farewell.

{a video I would like to share with you.  This song and its lyrics so eloquently paint the picture of me saying goodbye to the former me – enjoy}

Axo

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Goodbye, Ol’ Friend

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s