“Sometimes walking away has nothing do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own.” ~ Robert Tew
I haven’t wanted to write in the past little while. And much like any form of expression, forcing is not always the best route. Plus, I have been busy as bawls.
I have come to the realization lately that this path I am on has become so much more about weight loss, clearing out boxed shit from my pantry and moving my once sedentary body. This path has truly become finding myself. And while it is easy enough for someone who has their life figured out to tell you to, “live your truth”, that may pretty difficult if you don’t know what that truth is.
But as I stumble, trip and pick myself up along the discovery of my true self, I am content in knowing those who will be standing with me in the end, I have chosen.
I had to let go of some relationships lately. And while I recognize the possible risk in writing about these subjects (people), I committed to be real and forthcoming from the beginning. And part of my journey, at least for me, has been about doing that exact thing. Letting go of not only the former version of me, but cutting ties to relationships that no longer serve me. Why write about this (or maybe why write about this again)? Well, the recent dissection of certain friends and companionships has been a real tough one for me. One that came with a great deal of sadness, and ultimate trust in myself that it is possible to live my life without them.
It is a hard thing to finally say Good Bye. Not ‘see ya later’, or ‘talk soon’, but good bye.
I allowed a number of boundaries to be crossed, and in this process I began to lose myself again. I lost the person I was becoming, to the person I once was. I felt as though I was becoming dependent on these relationships – not so much for what I was getting from them, but from what the other person was getting from me. That ultimate feeling of knowing you are needed, knowing that if you were out of the picture the other person would suffer – it may be egotistical and self-centred, but a basic need we all thrive on. Want, desire, need are all basic feelings. And to have all those elements present between two people is pure chemistry like no other. To imagine that spark gone, and gone because you have decided to walk away, is not only tough but brave.
I walked away from that. I walked away from knowing every day I was needed. Every day, my own basic feelings were being met. All because I was losing myself. I would look in the mirror and know every day a little part of me was dying because, like so often before, I was giving too much. I was sacrificing. I was missing out. I was changing my life for someone else.
And I took a deep breath and let go. And encourage you to try to do the same…
You know what? I wake up every day and think of them. Think about what they’re doing, who they are with, if they are laughing as they did when we were together, feeling accomplished, driven, loved and appreciated like I hoped to make them feel (and knowing how they made me feel). Every day. But I no longer wake up with the shortness of breath or the anxiety of what may come next. That is gone.
I miss you. Know that. But this all has happened for a reason and for the good. I am a better person because of you. I am stronger, kinder, gentler to myself because of you. I am here because you believed in me and saw things in me I could not at the time.
Thank you. And when our paths are meant to meet again, I know they will. Maybe for similar reasons – so we can save each other and keep each other close. Or maybe just to reminisce.
Thank you, friend.
It was kismet to meet, just as it was to let go.