It’s rare I lay awake in bed at 4:30 in the morning and in an instant am hit with the urge to sit at my glowing laptop in the wee-dark, Canadian hours of the dawn. No sun, no sign of life outside and my house is rarely as quiet as it is. But I’m here, and I’m here to explain why the title is what it is…
I started this blog to get into writing again. Like your stereotypical 30-something mom, wife and career woman, I lost myself in my roles some time ago and forgot some of the things I loved to do. I was studying culinary arts, did you know that? I love the kitchen. I love entertaining and I have (clearly) always loved food. But, I found myself pregnant (I know how it happened, it was just not necessarily in the cards at the time) and needed to stop because I was super sensitive to the smells in the classroom kitchen. One thing I haven’t returned to….
So we lose ourselves sometimes. Our roles and expectations of others take over and in the words of a fellow blogger, we settle. And that’s what I did. I stopped writing although I loved it and while I know I wasn’t good at it. It had been over a decade and a half since I wrote. Reason 1: I blog to write. Reason 2: I blog to inspire.
It is only in this second reason that I woke up this morning with a clear mind and overwhelming sense of love in my heart that I have decided to stop publishing for a while. I have decided to break up with me. Now, I’m not talking about letting go of my former obese self (previous entry) or writing a eulogy to my once 64″ circumference. I am breaking up with the me that does for others before doing for herself.
While this sounded much more poignant and touching in my head as I lay in bed only moments ago, try to follow my thoughts.
I learned in counselling last Fall that I have always done what others have expected of me. School, my role in the family, leader, over achiever, etc., etc. And in doing this, I never got a chance to truly find out who I was and thus was prevented (self-imposed, I know!) live my life for me. Now I recognize responsibility and paying bills and being an adult, but you can live in a world of all those ‘things’ and still stay true to who you are. But at the age of 36, sitting in that small room with only a single Jade plant and extra-large heating vent that I swear was blowing right on my face, it was a discovery for me. Adina was parentalized as a child and in doing so, became every one’s parent in the process. Trust was broken at a very young and comfort was found in selflessly giving to others for acceptance and turning to food for comfort.
Now, I’m no shrink and psychology and philosophy were my two worst subjects in University, so I’m theorizing merely on my logic, which has taken me pretty far in life. I’m fucked up. And to be fucked up in a journey of weight loss, self-discovery and major loss and change is a cocktail worth of prescription drugs mixed in with a few Tom Collins and Screwdrivers. But in that fucked-uped-ness, I am starting to find my own. Part of this discovery is realizing I am telling my story, not for my own personal growth, but to benefit YOU! Classical keep the audience happy.
And I can no longer teach what I don’t know, lead where I haven’t been and take all you strangers, friends and family along with me because you are not my responsibility until I know how to to take responsibility for myself. Stepping away from you, my other comfort, will be tough, but a major step I only this morning recognized was needed. Yes, TB, I was putting my head in the sand. You were right, I need to face what it is I have feared.
Brave or cowardice? I really don’t care what your opinion is.
I need to break up with the Adina who, although outwardly seems to be leading a strong life of change and courage, really is falling into her co-dependent ways and is putting her own desires and needs aside to appease your own.
But how I have loved having you. Thank you for reading, for following, for ‘adding me to your circles’. Thank you to those publications like Huffington Post Canada and Tips of the Scale for trusting in my story enough to share with others. Thank you to my fellow bloggers who continue to write for their own reasons, all of which I hope are true to who they are and the process itself in order to become who they want to be in this world.
Break ups are difficult. But I am super excited to see the Adina who needs to take care of others leave, just briefly, so the Adina under all the bullshit can start doing some real work. I will continue to blog privately but will choose not to hit the little blue button on the right that says PUBLISH.
Don’t get me wrong. My intention here is not to leave all of humanity astray and become a self-absorbed bitch. I will continue falling Karama’s teaching, loving and supporting those with whom I cross paths; the difference now will be knowing when to continue to support and when I start to feel as though I’m losing my priorities and agenda. I need me right now. And I need the other part of me to go away and face the fact that I’m not here to please any more. Like this post so eloquently writes, I’m tying my hair up!
I wish you all continued success on your journeys. If I somehow inspired you to make change, move a little more, shift your life in a better direction, then know the break up Adina is thankful. I hope you continue to make changes for YOU and for YOU only. Loving yourself and recognizing your worth is oh-so important in any personal journey. I hope you discover (or rediscover) how much you deserve to live the life you want. And it’s not selfish. It is necessary.
Go tie your hair up and get serious with your shit.