“I’m Stuck!”, she said.

aIt has been a really long time that I was up at 5am thinking about writing.  Like a long time.  But I know writing is my outlet, like running or cooking, or drinking or sex may be for others.  I know I have to do it when things are off-balance for me and I need to unload.  And I always know that I write for me first – if I catch a few sets of eyes and some hearts along the way it’s an added bonus – but this is definitely THEE one thing I do for me.

I received a lot of messages of late – I have been unknowingly telling all of those on my social media forums the story that is happening in my life right now.  Our subconscious is a wonderful thing sometimes.  Most from people who have reached out,  I don’t talk to that often, some close friends, some complete strangers.  I will openly admit that there has been a shift in the mood of my social media shares and it’s because I’m going through a tough time in my life; one I will publicly write about when the time comes, but for now secret that has been evolving daily and one that many of us experience and grow from, in the end.

When someone hurts us, we rebel.  And in the moment we may not realize how much until we’re called out on it.  Well, I have been.  I want to thank those who have reached out – I have kept my responses short with you for a reason and that reason is I’m not yet ready to fully engage in what’s transpiring in my life, but I wanted to reflect a little on it before I write my official blog on the topic in the near future.

Someone wrote to me yesterday and said this:

I’m sitting here bawling like a baby because I have been “stuck” – not the weight, but the life – like you, it’s never been regular and it scares me to death. Been working in therapy on this, but your words just spell it out to point blank.

I want to pause for a moment and reflect on what this reader shared with me… I have been stuck – not on the weight but the life.  Her and I continued our dialogue for the better part of the afternoon on her struggles, her mental barriers and all her story is and was up until that very moment we were chatting.  We all have mini ah-ah moments, maybe life-changing ah-ah moments, but it was in this moment with the reader that I was quickly reminded about how vulnerable we all are and how incredibly fearful we all are TO JUST LIVE our life.  Getting stuck is just part of the process.  It’s what you do with that stuck that matters.

Where is this leading?  I really don’t know but it’s my blog entry so go with it.

We will get back to my dear reader, but first let me set the stage of where things are right now.

It’s 6am and I am sitting on my couch with my laptop on my fuzzy blanket, my cat curled in beside me, a cup of my favourite instant Starbucks coffee to my left and my brain going a mile a minute.  Why am I sharing this with you?  Because my life isn’t much different than yours.  In an hour, my two young children will be up, will need love and cuddles from mom, and I will be running out the door to my low-paying part time job that pays my personal bills and my trips because financial independence is still important to me. I will scramble to get breakfast, lunch and snacks made – plan for dinner – throw my yoga pants and tank top on from the night before, and start my day that mirrors the same as the day before and the day to come.  I have to keep up with my roles because there are those who depend on me…

And my life is tough right now.

I have gone back and re-read a lot of my blogs – moslyt because I needed therapy and reminding that I do have a passion outside of coaching and that passion is sharing stories.  I had decided to read my blogs because, as of late, I am sensing that I need to start taking my own advice. That I am full of ‘what to dos’ but sometimes we just need to swallow our words and act on what we are telling others.  So, that’s why I’m back at the screen.

This is what I have noticed – my writing has nothing to do with weight loss.  It has to do with:

-acceptance

-self-care and self-love

-letting go

-forgiveness

-doing for me and not for others

-giving myself permission to fuck up

-owning my actions

-following what I want in life and not what is expected of me

-inspiring others to do the same

A byproduct of all the above MAY be health, wellness and weight loss, but really and truly, before our bodies can change, our mind has to get right.  And if we don’t invest in our mental and spiritual health, we will constantly be battling the workouts, the nutrition and the scale, the measuring tape, those hot pair of jeans and white tank.  Our life will be a struggle until we surrender to the mental battle and start to heal.

There was/is a lot of emotion in my writing.  A lot.  And I want you to know something.  All that emotion I shared was out of fear of making a HUGE decision in my life.  And now, looking back on the three years of torture, sitting here on the other side of that decision, it really wasn’t all that bad.  I still don’t know what’s to come, but I believe, TRULY believe, that we have up to this point in our lives survived our shit days, 100%.  I’m still here; you’re still there.  We are here because we are getting through; even if for now we are just existing and not truly living.  Sitting in the dark, blood pumping through my body, living and breathing and knowing every moment that I have is a series of decisions and choices, I have survived all I thought was impossible.

So, what’s the point of all this?  Well, let’s go back to my reader I talked to yesterday.  We are all faced with moments.  Each and every one of us.  And in every moment we have multiple choices.  Like the other day – I had the choice to come home after work with my kids, scramble to get dinner together, nighttime routine, clean up the kitchen, rest and watch TV.  But I thought, I am going to make a different choice and take myself out to the movies.  Big fucking deal, Adina!  Way to go.  Well – let me tell you something.  It was a big deal for me.  I have only ever gone to the movies ONCE before on my own.  So, hold your tongue, for me it was a big step.  And it’s in these steps that we start to redefine who we are.

My reader, in a moment of vulnerability, in connecting with my emotion and writing, reached out.  And I am very grateful she did.  She has reminded me that we are all in this together.  We are not alone.  Our stories are similar, our struggles the sames and all any of us want is just a little help to get started, be picked up when we fall and encouragement to continue.

I am thankful for those who are sticking by me through this 39th year of my life.  My 40th is just around the corner and in my infinite wisdom, I realize all this I am going through is truly setting the stage for what’s to come.

And I am okay with that.  You should be too.

My life changed in a moment – in one moment, in the answer to one simple question asked of me – and I know the pain in that moment was tough, but much easier to digest than the daily pain I was going through not deciding.

I am no longer a victim of my circumstances. I encourage you to do the same.

In strength and love,

Axo