And I will try to fix you

I really don’t care if you hate Coldplay – I could listen to these lyrics on repeat, all day long, for several days or weeks on end, and then start again.

 

My 2017 of Solitude has been pretty amazing so far.  I have moved into my own place, starting a full time job that has a great mix of social butterfly-iness and corporate work, have paid off my debt and have had a chance to start learning about me, for the first time in my 40 years.

This post wont be too long, but I urge you to listen to the lyrics of this song closely.  For almost three and a half decades of my life, I never heard lyrics.  I know – what the fuck is right; but I didn’t.  It wasn’t until I made some major shifts in my life (quit my career, lost 100 lbs, found my passion in working with other women) that every song I listened to I finally heard the words for the first time and it felt like that anticipated inaugural kiss with your crush… slowly leading up to something great.

Fix You was one of these songs.  The music always gave me a rush, but I never heard the story.  Once I did, I couldn’t help but picture myself writing these lyrics to those who had come into my life for the sole purpose of me fixing and putting them back together.

I listened.  I loved.  I fought.  And I fixed.  In the end, it never worked in my favour.

A therapist once told me that the words or actions we say or do to others are often the exact thing we need in our life at that very moment.  I called bullshit.  I loved helping people.  I loved putting everyone before me.  I needed it.  It was my drug of choice.  To be needed in a way that no one else could give them.   I would love, and lose, and love again – get hurt, go back and turn to destructive behaviour.  They couldn’t be fixed.  They needed exactly what I needed – self love and healing.

It wasn’t those broken people in my life that needed the healing power of these words – it was me.

Tonight I dedicate this song to a pretty amazing woman… me.

My road to recovery is a long one but I am so fortunate to be at a place where I don’t want to fix anyone but my own pieces.  All I want is love.  Unconditional love, with no side deals, or tears, or judgement, or mind fucks.

My year of solitude has nothing to do with whether I’m alone or have someone by my side.  It has 100 percent to do with my attitude towards what I deserve and the time I allow to be me.  I never want to lose myself again.

I hope this brings a little comfort to those lost souls out there that always put others first.

As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup – and having the courage to be the one who continually tops your own cup up is not only brave, but necessary to live fully.

courage

Axo

 

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