As I went out on my interval run/walk this morning, hastily preparing for a 5K run I have in only 24 days, my mind was rambling with thoughts and feelings. With only four minutes left on my stopwatch, I could feel my chest getting tight and my breath become shallow – these are all sensations I have felt before when a full blown panic attack lurks around the corner. And this time, my heart was palpitating at a rate that forced my Triple Ds to shake like I was jumping on a untethered trampoline.
Today, however, as I felt the rain start to fall on my eyelashes and the music in my ears turn from LMFAO to Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah, I paused and decided to embrace what was happening; the reality of what was about to take over every cell of my body. I looked out to the pond, started watching the bulrushes sway back and forth, and I focused on my breath.
My life right now has moved me in the direction of learning the art of meditation; attempting to quiet the thoughts in my head at a time where I have a lot of questions. It is these questions that have left me crying for hours on end, numb to the laughter of my kids, and doubting (as a close friend labelled it) everything around me. I have come to realize it is this uncertainty in life that can make our heads spin until we convince ourselves we are going down the wrong road.
At the tail end of a therapy session about three months ago, during a rather acute, down moment in my personal life, the highly educated professional who sat across from me said a few words that have weighed heavy on this small-A type personality’s shoulders like the extra 100 lbs I once carried on my five inch four foot frame:
Sometimes, Adina, we need to trust the uncertainty.
I didn’t know what to do with his words. But today, experiencing that almost-panic attack, his matter-of-fact statement rang in my ears like the deafening screech of car accident and I knew I had to let so much go that I have been holding.
Some people say I have a lot on my plate, that I need to focus more on what’s important to me, that possibly I may burn out if I don’t slow down. These statements are true only if I am in constant battle with what’s unfolding around me – and I was doing just that up until this past weekend. I finally got to a point where the uncertainly became so overwhelming, I had no choice but to submit.
I am uncertain about my dad’s health and impending death.
I am uncertain if my body is cable of getting me through to my goals.
I am uncertain if I am spending quality time with my kids.
I am uncertain about possible heartbreak around the corner.
I am uncertain if I have given too much to those important to me.
I am uncertain if I am capable of real love and connection (again).
I have a lot of unanswered questions that have caused (too much) worry and anxiety. I can no longer live in the space of what if or maybe or I don’t know. Instead, I am taking advice from someone who taught me to be in the moment (see post back in February: click here), to live in the here and now.
I am living as we were meant to live; from a place of love (always) and just trusting the uncertainty of life.
I am working hard at my goals. I am loving my kids as best as I know how. I am sharing my time (our greatest gift to anyone) with my dad. And love, well, I will continue to give it with all my heart and soul and know it will one day be accepted for everything it is worth.