I have started six blog posts in the last eight weeks. The titles range from “Fear is the Biggest Boner Killer” to “Gonna Get Good”. The sentiments of these posts have included the spectrum of emotions and feelings from defeat to hope. I have listened to podcasts, watched numerous Ted Talks, sprinkled my evenings alone smoking cigarettes (a little out of character), drinking Tom Collins, reading love stories and books on discomfort while my cat curls in next to me. I have stumbled on posting because nothing has felt super authentic. But, I remember when I was producing a blog every week for Tips of the Scale and the advice of my fellow Scale Warriors. You just have to write sometimes. And for the 8th year in a row my psychic has told me my sacral chakra is blocked, so I need to tap into my creative and to write.
Here I am.
I recently listened to a podcast entitled “Tell Me I’m Fat.” If you have an hour to spare (30 mins to and fro work is all you need), I suggest you listen. I attempted pressing play on this numerous times to be faced with either technical or time restraints that disallowed me past the constant circular motion of the loading icon. But, two weeks ago, I was able to press play as I sat at work doing nothing but data entry for an entire day. As my lonely day went on, I listened to a kaleidoscope of podcasts, one of which was this one.
For those of you who read my last post, you know where my opinions lie when it comes to Fat Matters, because it does. It matters because our size and health can determine our direct relation to our experiences in life. That does not mean that being fat prevents you from happiness. But, for me, it means limited potential in terms of our experiences and access to said experiences; and some may then argue, happiness, fulfillment, engagement, resources… you get the picture, may not be realized fully.
See Being Fat is Not Fun.
So, being fat may not be fun because of the possible direct and indirect results.
You get what I mean here and if you don’t, that means you have never experienced life in a fat body. I won’t pass judgement or even opinion on that because I don’t know what life is like in a skinny body, so we are both ignorant of each other’s experiences because of just that – our experiences.
Throughout this podcast, I took a few moments to jot down words or sentences that struck a chord with me, in chicken scratch penmanship on my note pad donated to me by a local retirement home in downtown Oakville.
The biggest (pardon the purposeful pun) impact statement was “Fat Chicks Deserve This Too.” It was a beautiful story of what this fat chick deserved, but what I loved about it was everything. And I came to realize there is nothing we don’t deserve at any stage in our lives. Most importantly the ability to love and experience life as we are.
I have often thought…
when I get smaller, or thinner, or fitter, or prettier, or leaner, or fit in a size 8 or 10, or 12, or 14, I will…
Be happy, satisfied, content, fulfilled, able, successful, loved, worthy, deserving.
I have written about loving yourself and accepting yourself and meeting yourself exactly where you are in life before – but I was being a complete fraud because I didn’t really know what that meant. Right now, at this exact moment, I know I deserve happiness. I know I deserve a life of joy. I know I deserve never to settle. And I certainly know no one should hold the ability to make me feel any less than I am.
All this had to come before anything else. It has taken five years on this journey, an injury, a divorce, a career change, 40 lbs gained, an ailing father, newfound love and a hell of a lot in between to realize fat chicks deserve happiness too.
This Fat Chick deserves it all… And that’s why I’m doing what feels right, no plans but to do what feels right and authentic and true to me. I will continue to move my body, fuel it with good food, and love it for everything it does for me every day I’m on this planet. I will continue to act out of love, always, even if it’s difficult to do so. I have no end game in sight other than to always be the best version of me and if right now that means holding extra pudge in places I didn’t two years ago, well, I’m okay with that. I’m not the girl on the left any more, but the girl on the right is certainly learning to love life where she is!
What are you doing to honour you?